Talking to Kids About Masturbation—Without Shame
Let’s talk about something real: masturbation.
Yep. The “M” word. A topic that still makes plenty of adults uncomfortable—but here at My Little Yoni, we’re all about turning tricky conversations into empowering ones.
Masturbation isn’t shameful. It’s natural, normal, and a key part of how children explore their bodies as they grow. The more we remove the stigma, the easier it becomes to raise body-smart kids who are confident, safe, and in tune with their own boundaries.
So why does it matter to talk about it early—and how do you even begin?
Let’s break it down.
First, What Is the M – Word? (Masturbation)
Masturbation is when a person touches their own genitals, often because it feels good. For children, this isn’t about sex—it’s about sensory exploration.
Little kids are curious. They explore their bodies the same way they explore the world. Fingers in noses, toes in mouths—and yes, sometimes hands in pants. That’s developmentally appropriate, even if it feels awkward for parents to witness.
Our job? To respond with calm, clear communication. Not fear. Not shame.
Why Talking About It Matters
Whether you choose to have the conversation or not, let it be known that it’s still happening. The main difference: will it be in the context of openness and honesty, or will it be shrouded in shame and hiding?
I’m not suggesting bombard your kids with information on masturbation before they’re ready for it, but instead plant this idea: “It’s natural to explore your body parts in the privacy of your own room.” If you see your daughter rubbing her genitals manually or on objects, don’t freak out! Oftentimes, the immediate reaction is to stop them and tell them the behavior is inappropriate. But this will inevitably give your child the idea that masturbation is inappropriate behavior, and shrouded in shame altogether, which simply isn’t true. Instead, see it as an opportunity to have an honest conversation about what’s appropriate. Try saying, “Your body is YOURS, and you can touch your yoni in your own private space.” Setting the boundaries early on and not condemning the activity altogether will allow your child to have a healthy relationship with pleasure and their body.
When Does Masturbation Start?
Some kids begin exploring their genitals as toddlers. Others don’t show much interest until closer to age 5, 6, or even later. All of it is normal.
Keep in mind: what’s “normal” for one child may not be for another. Masturbation is only a concern if it’s compulsive, interferes with daily life, or appears to be linked to trauma. In those rare cases, it’s important to talk with a pediatrician or therapist.
But for most kids? It’s part of growing up.
How to Talk to Kids About Masturbation
Here’s the MLY approach—simple, age-appropriate, and shame-free.
1. Use the Right Words
Forget the euphemisms. We call a penis a penis, a vulva a vulva. When kids have accurate language for their bodies, they can communicate clearly and feel proud of their knowledge.
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📚 Our book Yoni Magic: The Amazing Truth is a fun and empowering place to start for kids aged 3–5+. |
2. Explain Privacy vs. Secrecy
We teach kids early that privacy is okay, but secrecy is not.
💬 Try saying:
“Touching your own body can feel nice, and that’s totally okay. But that’s something you do in private, not around other people. Privacy means it’s just for you. Secrecy is when we hide things from people who keep us safe—and we don’t do secrecy in our family.”
This teaches them boundaries and encourages open communication if something unsafe ever happens.
3. Reinforce That It’s Not “Bad”
Even if your child is masturbating in public or at odd times, your response sets the tone. Instead of reacting with shock or punishment:
💬 Say:
“I know it might feel good to touch your vulva/penis, and that’s your body. But it’s something to do in private, just like going to the bathroom.”
Correct the behavior, not the feeling.
4. Answer Questions Honestly
Curious kids may ask, “Why does it feel good?” or “Do grown-ups do that too?”
You don’t need to give a full biology lesson, just stay grounded in age-appropriate truth.
💬 Try:
“Bodies have nerve endings that send signals to the brain—and sometimes it feels good. It’s part of learning about yourself.”
Let their questions guide you, and only answer what they’re ready for.
5. Use Books as Tools
Reading together is one of the best ways to introduce tricky topics. That’s why we created the Yoni Magic series—to help families start conversations with confidence.
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📖 Our book Yoni Magic: What’s the M Word? is coming soon—designed to support parents and kids in navigating self-touch with curiosity and kindness.
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Masturbation ≠ Sex
One important note: children masturbating is not a sexual act.
If you worry that Masturbation will lead to earlier sexual activity, know that these fears are unfounded and inaccurate. In fact, girls who have a healthy relationship with masturbation typically engage in partnered sexual activity later in life. Furthermore, they have an easier time communicating their needs to partners if they do decide to become sexually active. However, when girls are left in the dark, it’s much more common for them to accept being treated as sexual objects and tolerate painful sexual experiences.
How can you expect them to speak up when they don’t know the difference or have the language to speak about it? But if girls have a direct relationship with their own vulvas and pleasure, they are more likely to have a voice and more choice when it comes to partnered sexual relationships later in life.
If your child needs more explanation than “this is your yoni, you can touch it in your own private space,” and has more questions about arousal, then you might need to explain the idea of pleasure and sexual pleasure to them. Explaining to them accurately how their body reacts to arousal, stimulation, and satisfaction will ultimately let them know that this is normal, and everyone’s bodies have these natural reactions. Often, when parents begin these conversations, they can feel uncomfortable and don’t know where to start.
Try being open and honest with them about your own masturbation experiences, this lets your child know they aren’t alone.
What If They’re Touching Themselves Constantly?
If your child is masturbating frequently in public or in ways that seem obsessive, first rule out common reasons:
- Stress or boredom
- Need for attention
- Sleep issues or anxiety
In most cases, a calm conversation about privacy and timing will help. If you’re concerned, talk to your pediatrician. But remember—masturbation alone isn’t a red flag.
Teaching Consent Starts Here
Masturbation is often the first time kids encounter bodily autonomy. That makes it the perfect doorway to begin the consent conversation.
💬 Try saying:
“Only you should touch your body. Your body belongs to you. You also get to say no if someone else wants to touch you, even if they’re a friend or family member.”
This links self-touch to boundaries, and that’s essential for safety later in life.
Check out this other blog, explaining how to explain consent to your kids.
Final Tips for Parents
- Stay Calm – Your tone sets the emotional tone for the topic.
- Keep It Ongoing – These aren’t one-time conversations. They evolve as kids grow.
- Check Your Own Beliefs – If you feel uncomfortable, explore where that’s coming from. You don’t have to be perfect—just open.
- Model Healthy Boundaries – Respect your child’s body and choices. Ask before helping with private tasks. Show what consent looks like.
Parenting is a hard job, and kids have a way of forcing us to confront the parts of ourselves we’d rather ignore. We need to permit ourselves to seek help when we need it, to know that we don’t have to have all the answers, and we don’t have to do this alone. Hopefully, as your kid learns things for the first time, you’ll learn alongside them and realize that this subject matter – and everything that comes later – can be easier than movies or history would lead us to believe. You can do it!
Thankfully, there are helpful resources that promote a healthy understanding of masturbation. Check out our Yoni Magic Books Series for more on this topic, as well as our comprehensive sex education curriculum.
You and your kid can read it and discuss what you’ve both learned together. Once again, don’t stress, parent, you got this!
