The lesson I have to keep learning in this lifetime is that I am in charge of creating my own joy, even when life is throwing frustrating and anxiety-inducing things at me.
This past year has dealt me Tower card after Tower card: a breakup, moving to a new state where I know no one but my parents, ongoing tax issues, the death of my grandma, a health scare, plus my constant companions – chronic back pain and a lack of clarity in my brain.
Grieving, confusion, anxiety, loneliness; I’ve felt it all without much space for air this year.
I keep waiting for it all to thaw out. I ask the big, wide universe to write me into a new chapter, to make me feel like a whole human being, to bring me the joy that I know I (and everyone else) deserve.
But just when I think I can finally rest, another problem hits. I wonder what karmic debt I need to repay in this lifetime. Am I being punished in some way? Or am I just a human being experiencing a lot all at once?
The thing is that if I sit around waiting for the moment that life finally feels perfect, I will constantly miss opportunities to experience joy, laughter, connection, and pleasure.
On the days when I find myself saying, “I will finally be happy when this chapter of my life closes“, I know instead that I need to seek out small ways to experience joy.
And I have to provide it for myself instead of waiting for someone else to give it to me. The longer I wait for others to offer me my dreams on a silver platter, the longer I deny myself my dreams.
So what is joy? What is happiness?
It can be the smallest thing.
I think about what foods, music, activities, movies, places, scents, and colors I’m drawn to.
I ask what makes me feel good.
And then I see if I can experience any of those things today.
The thing about me is that I am persistent. I am willing to fight (albeit in a peaceful way) when challenges come my way.
Sometimes I hate how isolating this human experience is, yet I still want to experience it.
And that is why I have to find the joy that I can, whenever I can, because I don’t want my days, my personality, and my life to be characterized by wishing things were different.
The lesson I have to keep learning is that I cannot wait until life is perfect to feel worthy of experiencing joy.
Instead, I must continue showing up and creating that joy for myself.
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