Norton Ultra 78 B/F Door Slammer!
Image by sbfisher
A Norton 78 B/F door slammer, I mean door closer. It’s on the front door to our building about 6 feet outside my apartment. It slams, the wall shakes, my wall shakes. Yay! It has adjustments for closing speed and the closing velocity just before latching. Supposedly it can be adjusted (found the manual for it online).
The problem is that they salvaged it from a WWI u-boat or something so it has excellent slamming action with the hydraulics having gone out sometime in the 1950s, but the ultra slamming spring is still in great shape. If people just let go of the door it slams into the door frame with enough force to smash uranium atoms and create a nuclear reaction that would wipe out all of Northern California. Good thing the frame and door aren’t made of uranium. Needless to say it creates a loud noise and my entire apartment shudders.
Some people who live here actually grab the door and try to close it gently rather than letting it SLAM at train-wreck speeds. Other people just fling it open and let it go. They don’t care since it’s not right outside their apartment. I should find out which apartments they live in and pound on their walls at random times to see how that goes over with them. My theory is that they were raised by gorillas or in a barn. I favor the gorilla theory since at least barns have doors and the other animals might have mentioned to them not to slam doors at some point while they were growing up.
Skateboard guy always flings and slams. He flings it open, throws his skateboard down and "Skates or Dies" away to try outrunning the shockwave it creates. Thanks moron.
But even worse is "rico suave all-night pus dog," who routinely comes home sometime between 1 and 4 am after a hard night pleasing the ladies with his hairy chest and mountains of gold chains. He flings the door wide and lets it go causing a minor earthquake that is slowly moving the earth from its axis. Needless to say, mr. lady pleaser wakes me up when he comes home. Thank you dill weed. I’ve got some plans that will stop your little love escapades and subsequent slamming action. We’re talking Loreena Bobbitt here. One of these nights I’ll be waiting to shove your manhood and any other pieces of your anatomy that get in the way in front of the door you flung open and just in time for them to get in the way of the slamming action. The door will find a new use as a special kind of guillotine. You won’t be pleasing those ladies much more. We’re talking very soon.
I’m hoping the maintenance guy will fix the damn thing or buy a model a little more recently made than 94 years ago.
