By Peggy Rice
I’ve just zipped up my suitcase; our flight leaves tomorrow afternoon.
I’ve spent the last several days throwing things I might want to take on the bed in the spare bedroom. Today, I did the laundry, so I’d have all my clothes to choose from. We’ve traveled enough that I have a pretty thorough packing list, but I still have to go through the list and choose…my list is different if I’m traveling to the Midwest for Christmas versus if we’re headed to the warm sandy beaches of the Sunshine State!
It made me think of my mental health journey, and the things I took along the way. My trip was long – over ten years of repeated episodes of major depression and its companion, anxiety. Some things I started my journey with, some things were added as I traveled along the mental health path, and some things got discarded when they became unnecessary.
I started my mental health crisis with fear and overwhelming sadness.
I was afraid of the future, of what my life would become when my children were heading to college, and I was left with an empty nest. In many ways, I pre-grieved. My oldest was just entering high school, and my youngest middle school, and I was already dreading the days when I would say good-bye to them in the college dorm parking lot! That was the fear – the anxiety: looking ahead and anticipating the worst-case scenarios, mulling them over and over.
The sadness came from depression – from looking back, and dwelling there. I’d moved back to a town we’d lived in 3 years prior, and it felt like everything was different. My church, my friends, my neighborhood (of course). I changed medical plans and had a new doctor. My dentist had retired, so I had to find a new one. The only thing that was the same was my hair stylist, but even there, it was different – she had started her own business, so the location and coworkers were different. I grieved the old relationships, the old ways, old patterns. It took me a long time to accept and move forward.
Along my depression journey, I picked up a fantastic Christian therapist. Week after week, he would listen to me as I poured out my confusion, and then he would put it all in order and give it back to me, so that I could make sense of all that I was feeling. He continually pointed me back to Christ, and back to my husband. He helped me confront lies that depression told me, things like: I’m not good enough, I will never have close friends again, I have no purpose outside of motherhood… He reminded me that I am first and foremost a child of God – that is my identity. My identity is not as a mom, nor as an old friend, but as a precious redeemed child of the King!
I picked up some new ways of thinking, through the work we did in his office. He taught me that even though those thoughts were in my head – I could hear them, and they sure sounded like my voice! – they were actually lies that depression was telling me. He helped me begin to see depression as something outside of myself, almost like a creature perched on my shoulder – separate from me – and whispering these lies in my ear. As Pastor Brad says in the Fresh Hope for Mental Health book, I am not my diagnosis!
As I began to change my thinking, I tried to leave behind these lies. It was not easy! I had to be very intentional about recognizing the lies, and replacing them with the truth of God’s Word. So I discarded the lies and picked up truth. And one way I did that was through regular Bible reading – that’s where the truth is. Jesus is the Truth, so I spent time reading the “red letters” – the things that Jesus said. I spent a lot of time in the Gospels – reading the stories about what Jesus said and did, how He interacted with the people around Him.
Medication was added to my life. I found that I needed the right meds, which my psychiatrist helped me discover, to be able to work on the thinking patterns and eventually change them. It’s as if the meds made my thinking clear enough to then let me be able to focus on exchanging those lies I mentioned earlier for the truth.
Another thing I picked up along the way was support people. I had several friends, some new, some from years past, who were willing to learn about depression and what I was going through, and they offered me encouragement, which was especially meaningful on very dark days. They’d send a card, or a text – things like: It’s ok to not be ok. You’ll get through this. I’m here for you. My Bible Study was very accepting when I admitted my mental health struggle, and they prayed for and with me regularly. God blessed me with the safe people I needed. I’d always been a pretty strong independent woman, but now I had to put that independence down, and let others care for me. It was humbling, but so good. I learned what it means to accept help from the body of Christ…I had always been one to give, but now it was time to learn how to graciously receive.
After the 10+ years of depression and anxiety, I came out the other side. Came to the end of that part of the journey. And I was then in a place to evaluate the trip, and see if I’d learned any lessons, and what things I wanted to hold onto!
One of my take-aways is the need for rest. To not be over-the-top busy all the time, but to allow room for naps, for a slower pace, for interruptions. To relax, take a walk, read a book. Time for me.
Another thing I want to hold onto is about giving back. I want the lessons from my journey from mental illness to mental health to be available to others. I want to help folks who are struggling, because I know what it means to struggle. Granted, each person’s story and experience and journey are unique to them, but to be able to identify and acknowledge that the struggle is real is very comforting and reassuring for a person walking that path. It’s been a blessing for me to be able to walk with others, in my roles as a Fresh Hope Facilitator for a support group, and as a Hope Coach for Fresh Hope.
In fact, Fresh Hope is definitely one of the things I hold onto. The ministry of Fresh Hope, the people I’ve met through groups and one-on-ones and volunteers and staff, all are doing incredible work when it comes to helping people who are walking a mental health journey, either as someone with a diagnosis, or someone loving someone with a mental health challenge. Fresh Hope wants people to know that it’s possible to live well in spite of a mental health diagnosis. It’s a journey, but there’s much to be gained along the way. To learn more, check out the resources at freshhope.us.
Peggy has been involved with Fresh Hope as a Group Facilitator for over 6 years and as the Hope Coach Trainer for over 4 years. She can be reached at peggy@freshhope.us.
