It was a cold December Tuesday evening and the pub was packed to the rafters with 30+ NoBoGlins hungry for entertainment. They got it. We all got it. After the evening’s introductions which included a new Board Game Bingo seasonal event being launched, 5 of us squared off to play one of the most bloody games in board gaming history. No, we’re not playing a life sized Jenga tower, capable of crushing your sleeping uncle after Christmas lunch. We were of course playing the legendary El Grande, designed by serial games designers, Woflgang Kramer and Richard Ulrich.

As we sat down across from one another, it became apparent that two(!) members of Take That had brought along this exact same game. Here to settle old scores this evening were, to my right; the previously shunned Robbie, then Gary, Mark, Jason (the game owner), and me, why not.

The rules explanation was handled professionally by both Jason and Robbie. Unfortunately my attention was too easily diverted away from ‘rules’ by a colourful board, and the beautiful cardboard tower looming in the corner. Everyone was smiling and in high spirits. Very strange. I though we were here to declare war.

The Tower of Mystery

Game turns in El Grande comprise of a very straight forward set of actions. Once turn order has been established, each player plays (face-up) one of the 13 numbered cards from their hand. The cards are numbered 1-13. The higher the number, the earlier you will pick up one of the 5 unique draft-able action cards, which drive the game forwards. The lower the number, the more troops (meeples) you can enlist from your supply in readiness to place onto the gorgeous map of medieval Spain. The player with the lowest numbered card also becomes the first player, next turn. The game is broken into 3 consecutive rounds of 4 turns each. Scoring phases happen at the end of each round. Ultimately, the aim is to score victory points by occupying territories (worker placement style) in Spain, shifting troops from one place to another, right up until the scoring phases happen. Then whoever has the most meeples in one territory, wins some victory points. Some territories offer varied consolation prizes for both 2nd and 3rd places, sometimes they don’t. There is also a huge tower to drop troops in, secretly accumulating meeples, until it too is scored! A powerful bonus is up for grabs by winning the ‘tower’ game, because during a scoring phase, each Grandes (player’s) meeples contained in the tower are unceremoniously dumped onto one territory of their choice, BEFORE the end of round scoring begins. Ooo it’s spicy. 

The Sparkly King does his walk

Ok. So, there is a lot of toing and froing going on as the Grandes vie for area majority of profitable territories. During the game, placing and removing of troops is massively hindered and empowered by where the King is (a huge, glitzy gold wooden meeple), which is moved each turn by the player who takes the ‘King’ action card. The game is brutal, and not just because having a majority of meeples in a territory is as fleeting and fickle as love itself. One minute, you might think you’re getting married, but in the next second, you are splitting your board game collection with them and arguing over who gets Scout. WE ALL HAVE SCOUT!!  Get over it, please.

The 5 actions cards which are drafted by players in turn order, allow them to deploy meeples, move meeples from one territory to another, and move other players meeples into or AWAY from territories you control. If that wasn’t enough chaos and heart break for you evil doers… some action cards allow you to relocate the King, thus freezing all meeple movements in that territory. Finally, a Grande with an insatiable blood lust, could just ‘assassinate’ a whole swathe of enemy troops (meeples), sending them back to their supply. Ouch. There is so much more to this game than I’ve just explained above, however, it’s time to get back to the game at hand… 

First player up, was Robbie, with a real mission to rub everyone’s noses in their flourishing solo career, immediately took the King action. They deployed a whole bunch of their meeples into a high scoring territory, and then slid the King onto it. Thus, stopping all additional movements both in and out of the space. This was bad enough, however Robbie had also managed to imprison the majority of Gary’s troops in a territory which they could not possibly prosper from… pretty much destroying Gary’s 1st, 2nd and possibly 3rd turns. After the first 4 turns, Robbie was riding high with an excess of 20 points. Mark, Jason and I were close (not close) behind, and Gary was bottom of the charts.. with zero points. It was a first round massacre. Game over? Not yet…. 

It’s not over Gary. Ok. Now it is.

Robbie continued moving further ahead in round two, with Mark a close 2nd. Jason and I were trading 3rd and 4th places with each other. By the time it got to the closing few turns of round 2, I had begun to formulate a new strategy; draft a large number of new meeples into my court, and set myself up for a lucrative final turn, with first player privilege. This would have been a great plan, however Robbie, ‘Robbie’d’ my territories, even though I was clearly going into the final round in last position. It’s really hard not to take this game personally, but Robbie was on a Rob-page, and I kept my cool. Unfortunately for Robbie though, Gary had declared war on them, as revenge for the first round shenanigans. Which was met with a lot of gas lighting… and probably the best quote of the evening, from Robbie:

This of course was the understatement of the century, and normally those kinds of remarks would come from my mouth… with a cheeky grin I might add. This game was going nuclear. If you look up the meaning of war in the Oxford English Dictionary, you might find a portrait of Gary grimacing at Robbie, playing El Grande.

Prince Mark of Spain

Mark, the silent assassin, was diligently infiltrating the most valuable properties, and scoring plenty of 2nd and 3rd place rewards. Mark didn’t particularly upset anyone, even when provoked. Personally, I think they played the most diplomatic game of the session. Jason, I believe, had relegated themselves to 3rd place quite early on. They played for the fun and enjoyment, and regularly popped up to give someone a bloody nose, just to remind us that they were still playing. Gary passed me on the score tracker several occasions, and we were fighting for last and 4th places. Then, I changed strategy again. I decided, that I wanted to give Gary some help (to my detriment), in the hopes that they might rally both Mark and Jason to work closer with one another to undermine Robbie’s solo carer. I mean Robbie’s winning position.

At first, it didn’t work very well. Gary decided to use their new uplift in points and creative ideas to beat on Robbie some more (good), but Mark and Jason did not follow suit (bad). In fact, Mark sided with Robbie more often than not, in the hopes of consolidating their 2nd place, keeping them as close to Robbie as possible. Quite clever, and not easily manipulated.

Eventually, however, my machinations bared some fruit. The dysfunctional pop band gradually began to rob Robbie of some territory rewards, and used their drafted action cards to efficiently protect themselves against the ‘sledge hammer’ tactics employed by Robbie, so successfully. Or in other words, doing a ‘Robbie’. The results of which meant that Mark closed in on Robbie’s lead and I actually did set myself up for a profitable final round.

My strategy was not to make any more enemies so close to the end of the game, and take risks on certain properties, leaving myself open to being taken advantage of. The danger with this strategy is exactly that. Because there are so many ways to rob other players of scoring victory points, it feels like a menacing victory point buffet of both pain and pleasure. Meaning, some players may simply make inefficient or emotional plays which may adversely affect you, purely by accident, or coincidence. 

Tight closing scores. 110/106/100/96/87

The final scores came in at the end and it was actually quite close. Robbie, the Hammer of Spain, won with 110 points. Mark, the Prince of Spain came 2nd with 106 points. I managed to reach 100 points, Jason came 4th with 96 points and poor Gary never fully recovered from the first round massacre with 87 points. 

What just happened? Well, Robbie decided to forgo ALL pleasantries and like a fox being let loose in a hen house, they turned Gary’s game (and to a lesser extent mine) into a coop full of blood soaked feathers and body parts. Total destruction. 

Mark, played at a similar pace all the way through. Precise, non-confrontational, unassuming, small calculated gains and wins. A potential winning formula to be sure. In one particular move, Mark benefited from a well placed King pawn move and earned a serious amount of victory points, JUST as a scoring phase came up.

I had been out-played early on, and when I regathered my senses for a fight back, this happened to be the time that I was kicked around like a school-yard football. Thus my plans were only partially realised as a result – particularly in round 2. I eventually settled for less efficient moves and plays, which were designed to cause friction between my opponents. Hoping to remove me from the  line of fire long enough to change my fortunes. Who knows… maybe I could spark a war between the leading pair of Grandes?

Jason, I felt, had been caught in a losing position early on too. However, they decided to plough on as best they could, and attempt to secure a solid ‘middle’ ground position. Jason had a great distribution of troops across Spain, but failed to utilise turn order as well as the rest of us. Ultimately, this led them to rely more heavily upon the luck of opportunities given, rather than opportunities created.

Finally, Gary. Poor Gary. Their first few turns and round, was almost a complete write-off, thanks to Robbie. These first few moves secured both the winner and the loser of our game. Gary eventually found some creative tactics to cause damage and raise themselves up to 3rd position at one point. However, they were unable to hold back their rage at Robbie and failed to consolidate that position for long enough. They did however, manage to control their turn order in such a way to cause maximum discomfort to the rest of us Grandes. What. A. Game.

If like me, you don’t really enjoy many take-that mechanisms in your board games, then let me give you some hope for the future, in particular for playing El Grande. Most take-that mechanisms appear to be unavoidable, punishing actions which do little to help with your own immediate progression. They are designed (in the most part) to hold back your competitors; rather punitively, I might add. 

El Grande is different. Yes it’s brutal, yes it’s punishing… but the actions are so clearly informed by your own needs and desires, that it is HARD to blame another player if you happen to be the victim of a blood bath. Hard, but not impossible.

This game lends itself to experience, diplomacy, manipulation and a sharp tactical mind. Of course being flexible is advantageous but without a good plan to start with, you may as well just be having fun playing ‘king maker’ for your opponents amusement. You never know, perhaps one turn they may cut you some slack… but don’t bet on it. This is El Grande, after all. 

Even though I can’t wait to play this game again, we do not foresee Take That reforming for one more gig (rematch).. but never say never. Emotions were raw and feelings were hurt – but in a good way. The second best quote came after the game from the lead victimised Grande himself, Gary:

Have a great gaming night yourself, and yes, if you ever get the opportunity, try a game of El Grande.