If you have never been to a 12-step program meeting, you might be surprised to know that when someone in the group shares a feeling or an experience, the expectation is that no one comments on it. What is the point of sharing, those new to the process may wonder, if others are discouraged from offering empathy, sympathy, feedback or advice? While it would take much time and space to list the reasons that feedback and advice might not be useful, one great benefit of sharing in a group is that it helps you begin to rid yourself of the tremendous burden of shame you might have been carrying for years. Find out what role shame plays in addiction and addiction recovery, and how you can overcome the shame of your own addiction and get your life back.
The Origins of Shame
Where does shame come from? A quick internet search will convince you that no one really knows, although this doesn’t prevent many people from guessing. Often, mothers are blamed for making people feel ashamed; less often, fathers. Sometimes it’s preachers, teachers, partners, friends or even society that takes the rap for doling out shame.
You can’t help but notice, however, that some people feel more shame than others, regardless of their background or relationships. These people are just more vulnerable to blaming and shaming than others.
Shame vs. Guilt
Opinions vary widely on the difference between shame and guilt. Generally, people feel guilty when they do something they know is wrong and that is hurtful to others. Some classic examples include stealing, cheating and lying. We all know a few people who don’t feel guilty about doing these things, but most people do. Do they also feel shame?
They might, depending on the circumstances surrounding the decision. But sometimes we feel ashamed even when we haven’t done anything wrong. We may think, “I shouldn’t have said that, I shouldn’t have disagreed with him, I shouldn’t have worn that, I shouldn’t have eaten that, I shouldn’t have spent that money.” These feelings may arise due to your own values, or values that your elders attempted to instill in you. For example, some people might feel that if a stranger sexually assaults them, that it is their own fault due to their clothing choices. You can see how opinions can affect the presence and depth of shame.
Shame and Addiction
Many people who have suffered with addiction have also wrestled with shame. They have lied to others, spent the rent money on drugs, cheated, stolen or committed other acts that they regret. They might feel shame even if their actions don’t seem to hurt others. If you spend every night after work drinking until you fall asleep, it’s possible no one is immediately directly affected by it. But you might feel bad, thinking that you could be spending your time doing something more enjoyable or productive.
Conversely, a friend or family member will often try to convince a person struggling with drug or alcohol addiction that their behavior is a problem, but that person disagrees. They may truly have no shame tied to their actions, or they may be in denial.
Shame and Denial
When someone is wrestling with a drug or alcohol addiction, it can take time for that person to realize they have a problem. And it can take more time for them to admit it to others. At first, true confusion can be at play, as the person is unsure whether their habit is a bit of harmless fun or a real danger that’s only getting worse. Early signs like getting pulled over or receiving a warning at work eventually turn into court appearances and job losses. That’s when denial becomes harder to engage in.
And denial is not unique to addiction. Anyone who is not ready to face the truth about anything — a spouse is secretive, the needle on the scale keeps going up, the bill collectors keep calling but friends never do — is in denial because reality is too painful for them to bear. They can only face the truth once they have gathered the necessary strength to do so.
Banishing Shame with Addiction Counseling
If you’ve ever been to a meeting where you see others casually announce their name and addiction while you cower on the outer edge of the circle, you’ll understand that overcoming shame is a process, and the only way to get started is to reveal your secret. It can feel scary, but once it’s out in the open, it’s actually a relief.
One of the tenets of addiction counseling here at Alpine Recovery Lodge and at programs throughout the world is that attending group therapy sessions has great power. Although clients at Alpine Recovery Lodge also receive individual therapy, everyone participates in group therapy. It is cathartic for people to gather and openly discuss their struggles. Some of the burden is immediately lifted simply by speaking your truth out loud, and more is lifted when participants see that there are so many others just like them — they are not alone.
You would not feel ashamed to be addicted to alcohol or drugs if everyone else was too — it would be normal. And while not everyone else is, a lot of people are. And it’s this secrecy and shame that prevents people from getting the help they need. What if everyone finds out I’m an alcoholic? If you are an alcoholic, trust us, most people already know. They’re waiting for you to figure it out. Here in our inpatient recovery center, we work to flip the script and to get you to understand that seeking help for addiction is not a shame; it is the bravest, smartest thing you can do.
Contact us today, and find out more about how we can help you overcome the shame of addiction so you can start living the healthy, authentic life you deserve.
