Thank you for tuning into The Real Adoptea Moxie: My Adoptee Epiphanies series. Pamela Karanova here. This space is dedicated to the raw, unfiltered truths adoptees carry—the ones that often go unspoken. I’m so grateful you’re here, showing up for yourself and for this community. Today’s adoptee epiphany is one that hits deep: we’re talking about the complex and often painful reality of Mother’s Day through the lens of the adoptee experience.
I want to bring to the table the raw truth about Mother’s Day for many adoptees—the complex, deep grief, the silence, and how to take care of ourselves when the world doesn’t understand.
One of the biggest things I have had to learn, and ultimately accept, is that the world can’t understand because they don’t have our lived experience. I used to get so upset, feel so misunderstood, defeated, and even angry at people. The sooner I saved grace for the non-adoptees in my life, and accepted they can’t understand fully, the easier my life has become.
For many adopted people, Mother’s Day isn’t a celebration—it’s a wound with a bow on it. Some of us carry the wound and can also save space to honor and even celebrate the day. For other adoptees, it’s nothing but pain. This was my life until about 5 years ago.
I had accepted that I would likely die from a broken heart due to my adoption experience, and that was something I lived with for about 45 years, and it still visits occasionally. Now, I know it as complex grief, which I accept will be a lifelong visitor.
For many adoptees, this day is deeply triggering: separation trauma, duality of multiple mothers, abandonment, complex grief.
The silence we’re forced to hold while the world praises the mothers who raised us, not the ones we lost.
The pressure to perform gratitude when all we feel is grief.
The loneliness of being surrounded by people who don’t get it, forced to hide our pain, or make everything weird, and being told we are choosing to hang on to the pain.
Hearing everyone cry about the loss of their mothers, who have passed on—but they have a lifetime of lived memories with them, which we would almost die to have, even just one memory. It’s hard. It’s triggering. It’s everywhere.
Having to pretend only adds to the challenges. I have lived my life in the trenches of navigating these BIG ADOPTEE emotions and chances are if you are listening to this adoptee epiphanie, you might be in a similar situation or you can maybe relate.
What We Can Do to Survive It:
Create your own ritual: plant something, walk in nature, hug a tree, cry in the woods.
Take up space in your grief—write, scream, talk to a trusted adoptee community.
Protect your peace: avoid social media if needed.
Reclaim the day: mother yourself. Celebrate your survival.
Remember: you don’t owe anyone a card, a post, or a performance.
Remember, we are moving through this day, as difficult as it might be, there is light. Just keep going, keep walking, and keep feeling.
Celebrate being a mother if you are one, and celebrate the women in your life who have been like mothers.
Spend less time on electronics, and more time in nature, going inward, learn to meditate, and get to know and love the person inside, outside of your adoption experience.
Adoption is only a piece of who we are, but it’s not all of who we are.
A word of encouragement:
Research Shinrin-Yoku, Misogi, Blue Mind, and Grounding.
One of the things I recently did was run away to nature, and I grounded with Mother Nature. Not only that, but I hugged a tree, which has always felt like a mother to me. Nature has been the greatest escape and self-care space I have ever found in this lifetime, all the way back to my early childhood. I find waterfalls on the regular, and we have over 1,000 in the state of Kentucky.
GROUNDING:
Grounding—also known as earthing—is the simple, intentional act of connecting your body to the Earth’s natural energy. It often involves standing, sitting, or lying down with bare feet or skin touching grass, soil, sand, or water. This practice is known to reduce stress, calm the nervous system, and bring us back into the present moment. It’s especially powerful for adoptees and trauma survivors because it offers a sense of rootedness and safety when everything else feels disconnected. Grounding reminds us we belong—to ourselves, to the Earth, and to this moment.
BLUE MIND:
Even better, challenge yourself to go sit by a body of water. Blue Mind is a term coined by marine biologist Dr. Wallace J. Nichols, who was also an adoptee, describing the calming, meditative state our brains enter when we’re near, in, on, or under water. Whether it’s a river, lake, waterfall, ocean, or even a bathtub, being close to water can lower stress hormones, slow our heart rate, and quiet mental noise. For adoptees and others carrying deep emotional weight, Blue Mind offers a soothing escape and a powerful reminder that healing doesn’t always need words—sometimes, it just needs water.
SHINRIN-YOKU:
Shinrin-Yoku, a Japanese term meaning “forest bathing,” is the practice of immersing yourself in nature—especially among trees—to promote mental and physical well-being. Developed in Japan in the 1980s as a response to rising stress and burnout, it involves slow, mindful walks through the forest while engaging all the senses. In the U.S., the term “forest bathing” was adopted to describe this healing practice, and it has since gained popularity as a natural way to reduce anxiety, lower blood pressure, and reconnect with the present moment. For adoptees and trauma survivors, Shinrin-Yoku can offer a peaceful refuge, helping restore a sense of safety and belonging without the need for words.
MISOGI:
Misogi is an ancient Japanese purification practice that centers around cleansing the mind, body, and spirit—often through a ritual involving cold water, such as standing under a waterfall or immersing in a natural body of water. Rooted in Shinto tradition, misogi is more than a physical act; it’s a spiritual reset meant to wash away negative energy, emotional heaviness, and inner clutter. In modern times, it’s been adapted as a powerful form of mental and emotional release, especially for those carrying deep pain or trauma. For adoptees seeking to reclaim parts of themselves and shed what no longer serves, misogi offers a raw, elemental form of renewal that reconnects you to your own strength and the natural world.
Explore new spaces, and most of the time, we can find free adventures in our own backyards. I encourage you to download the AllTrails app, which filters by waterfalls, lakes, etc. It’s free. One of the coolest things about all of these techniques is they keep us in the present moment—the here and now—which helps us make it through difficult times.
You’re not broken for feeling broken on a day built to break you. You’re allowed to feel it all. Loudly. Quietly. Or not at all.
Closing Invitation to Listeners:
Before we go, I want to open the door for you to be part of this conversation. Mother’s Day is complicated, and if you’re here, I know you’ve felt that complexity in your bones. I’d love to hear from you—what helps you survive this day? Do you have a ritual or healing tool that brings you even a moment of peace? How are you really feeling this year? This space is for us, and your voice matters. So share if you feel called—your truth might be the lifeline someone else needs to hear. Let’s hold space for each other in the ways the world never did for us. Drop your thoughts below.
